I’m a believer who, sometimes, doesn’t believe.
I’m a runner. In the fight-or-flight kind of way. (Running for exercise? BAHAHAHAHAHA! No.)
I love to encourage others to take risks, to go for their dreams. If I were sitting with you right now, I’d ask what your next goal is and if you have a plan to get there. No goal? Let’s brainstorm ideas! Goal sans plan? Let’s reverse engineer that baby and lay out the steps you’ll need to take to get there! I’d give you examples with my own goals: what they are, why they’re important to me, why I feel God has given me these specific goals/dreams, my steps to achieve them. But, you know what? I’ve not accomplished any of them. None. Zero. I’m a great planner who’s pathetic with follow-through because what if it doesn’t work? Stupid fear.
I want Jesus to call me out onto the choppy waves, to keep my eyes on Him, to know that He will save me and sustain me. I want to pray the big prayers. I’ve seen Him answer those big prayers in big ways for others. But…I’m scared. What if He doesn’t do it for me?
Usually when God doesn’t answer my prayers the way I want, when my goal path trips me and knocks me flat on my backside, I run. Further into myself so I can hide the hurt and the unbelief. So I don’t have to face the fact that my God, who I know can do huge things, didn’t come through like I’d hoped. So I can hide the doubt I feel that maybe He didn’t really give me these dreams and desires. I run so I don’t have to face Him at all, don’t have to talk to Him about it. Just stuff it aside in some cranial closet, make excuses for God, for why He answered the way He did, refuse to accept the love and understanding He’s trying to offer. And, I try to take care of everything myself, be my own god, and make myself busy.
I want to stop. Now. I want to stop running. I want to stop hiding behind busyness. I want to live in and for His glory. I want my faith and my feet to be firmly planted on the Truth of who God is, to not be shaken when the storms come, to always, ALWAYS, run to Him rather than away from Him.
How? How do I stop this insane habit I’ve spent an absurd amount of time perfecting?
That’s what blogger Arabah Joy found in her own struggle with unbelief/trust and wrote about in her devotional book Trust Without Borders. She shares beautiful, hard stories and pieces of her journey. She shares the path she took to overcome unbelief.
So what does it look like for me? What’s my path? How do I practice?
By doing the 40 daily devotions in Trust Without Borders and completing her daily action challenges.
By praying. Honestly. By being real with God about how I feel, about where I am now and where I want to be. By praying the big prayers. By sharing the scared places with Him. He already knows where they are, what my fears are. He’s just waiting to be invited in.
By writing here on this blog to remind myself of what God has done and what He is doing. To encourage you in your own faith. To help you remember what He’s done for you and what He’s working on now.
We’ll stumble, but, with God’s help, we’ll get back up and keep walking with Him, trusting in Him.
I’m praying for all of us.
Want to join me in the Trust Without Borders devotional? You can find the book here: <iframe style="width:120px;height:240px;" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ss&ref=as_ss_li_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=warri31-20&marketplace=amazon®ion=US&placement=1499638809&asins=1499638809&linkId=08a8df1d881a7dd9983c136bd790b850&show_border=true&link_opens_in_new_window=true"></iframe>